Monday, August 8, 2016

Lasting Lessons From My Single Years

10 years ago I was getting ready to start my freshman year of college. I was excited to start a new school where I was convinced I would meet my new best friends and future soul mate. While I didn't go to college to get my "MRS" degree, meeting my future spouse was definitely at the forefront of my mind. After all, my parents and siblings had all left college engaged, and wasn't a Christian college the perfect place to meet a man who would share my values, morals, and faith?

Except things didn't work the way I had planned. Instead, the next four years included many seasons of embarrassment, depression, and even jealousy as I watched many of my friends get engaged while I stood by wondering if my dream of become a wife and mother would ever come true.

And in God's timing it did. 

But what I don't want this to be is a post written by a married woman just reflecting back on her single years and stating how she should have acted. After all, I'm married now, I got what I wanted, didn't I? It's pretty easy for me to look back on a difficult season of my life and say how I should have acted knowing how things turned out. Instead, I hope this is a point where I share some lessons that I learned during those difficult years that continue to impact me as a married woman today - lessons that I hope might encourage other women - married and single alike.

Freshman year of college....who wouldn't want to marry me?!

(1) Being married isn't better than being single.

I don't think this is said enough, particularly in conservative Christian circles where young women are often raised to believe that our role is to become dedicated wives and mothers (maybe less in more secular circles). To become such is a beautiful, wonderful thing and was always my deepest desire. But because this was my dream, and what I thought was "better," I spent many many years feeling as though I was "less than" because I was single. I wondered what was wrong with me.

I've frequently heard well intentioned individuals tell single women to use their single years as a season of preparation for marriage. Serve others and prepare yourself to be a wife or mother. And while homemaking skills are important, I think this directive gives off the wrong message - it is reiterating that marriage is the ultimate goal, and that there is something wrong with being single.

When in fact, there is nothing wrong with being single, and God never promises us marriage! Our only goal in life should be to serve God and love others to the best of our ability - not marriage. We need to recognize that God will meet our needs, but not necessarily all of our desires. Being married isn't better than being single, it's just different.

[Y]ou are all one in Christ Jesus.
Galatians 3:28

But I promised this post wasn't just about looking back and saying "what if." Consequently, I think this lesson can be applied to so many other areas - just switch the phrasing around...."being  _____ isn't better than being ____." Gender, race, age, occupation, financial status, spiritual gift, etc. Comparison is dangerous, and it is so easy to falsely apply worth to how we compare ourselves/our circumstances to others.

My college roommates - at the time this picture was taken I was the only one not in a serious relationship. Within the next year and a half all 4 were engaged.

(2) Living in the future makes you lose sight of the present.

I spent so much time during my single years reflecting on why I was single, being frustrated with the fact that I was single, and looking for a potential future spouse that it makes me wonder what leadings of the Holy Spirit I cast aside? What opportunities did I miss because I was too focused on my earthly desires vs. God's heavenly plan?

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God
Corrie TenBoom

Your single years are an incredible opportunity to serve others. As a wife and mother I still love looking for ways to serve, but the reality is that my first priority is my family. Honestly, the single women I know who are the most content are those who are actively engaged in serving their families, churches, and communities. 

As a married women this is a lesson I continue to remind myself of! I frequently get caught up in thinking, "I can't wait until _____ is over" (i.e. Brandon's work schedule is lighter, an event has passed, Beckett has reached a new stage). Of course the problem is that when I think this way, I end up missing out on the daily happenings and seeing God in the ordinary.

One of my favorite things during my single years was taking the time to invest in the lives of my nieces and nephew.

(3) Being married doesn't solve all your problems.

While I don't think I really believed that marriage would solve all of my problems, I think I was pretty sure it would alleviate most of them! And to some extent it has - but only to be replaced by the new challenges that come along with being a spouse and mother!

I recently heard a sermon where the pastor said, "if the grass looks greener on the other side - it's time to water your own grass!"

These guys bring me so much joy, and continuously challenge me in new ways!

(4) There are some things in life you can't control, and if you try to force them you might end up worse off.

For some singleness is not just a life stage, but God's ultimate plan. For a time in my life I was not willing to recognize this as a possibility for my future. Consequently, I stayed in a relationship much longer than I should have because it was comfortable, safe, and I knew would eventually lead to marriage. But it wasn't right, and by holding on as long as I did I ended up causing a lot more pain than necessary. It was only after I fully surrendered my future to the Lord and was truly content with being single that I met my husband, and only at that point in time did I realize how much my prior relationship was lacking, and how difficult a marriage to that individual (although he is a wonderful, compassionate, Christian man who I deeply respect) would have been.

I recently re-read Corrie TenBoom's The Hiding Place, and was moved by the way she and her sister Betsey didn't reflect on their singleness as something negative, but seemed to embrace it as a way through which God molded their character and drew them to him.

Brandon during his single years

Ultimately, if you are single, my biggest piece of advice would be to recognize your worth. You are loved and cherished regardless of your relationship status and are fully complete in your relationships with Christ alone! (Colossians 2:10)


  1. Great thoughts!! :) I'm very passionate about this topic, too, having gotten married somewhat later than the norm (29). :)

    1. Thank you! It's funny to think that 29 is considered "later" in life, but then again, I was the last of my group of high school and college friends to get married and I was only 25!

  2. Great points! It's to bad that singleness is not validated more in the church. I loved being single before I got married and had such a good and interesting life.

    1. I really wish it was! I feel like the only time it was really talked about while I was growing up was in a more negative context, or expressing pity for the individual who was "still" single.

  3. Did we actually have two overlapping years at Calvin without running into each other? I started college in '08, and I can't believe that was 8 years ago now. I met Angel because he was advertising Bible Bonanza at Cokes 'n' Clubs on the first day of school...and when I started college, I wasn't yet interested in boys really or marriage, seemed like something far off in the future...and I hadn't yet heard the MRS degree joke. And we all know how that turned out. God has different stories for each one of us, what's best is if we can find contentment in our own story instead of wishing we could re-write the story. I don't like the rhetoric of treating singleness as preparation for marriage, about just treat it as if it's real life, because it is?

    1. Isn't that funny to think about? I think I recognized Angel because I had so many friends in the nursing department and was always floating around the Science Building. But yeah, I started in 2006! I can't believe you didn't hear about the MRS degree, but I'm guessing maybe you were able to avoid it slightly by living off campus? My suite mate made a "joke" about it during a floor meeting the first night we were all on campus... I lov what you said about finding contentment in our own story - SO true!